Chronicles of a Whorish Mouth

Stuff

2010-06-03T18:27:00.005-04:00

Whew, it's been awhile.
Here's what's up with me (other than making a few cosmetic changes to this blog):
1. I'm a dummy. Because I went on a friend's FB page knowing exactly what I'd find, pictures of that ginger whoreface. Ugh, I deserved the knots it brought to my stomach because I'm an idiot glutton for punishment. And I was doing so well...
2. I got a new phone...only I'm sort of afraid to do anything fun with it. I got a touch screen because it was all cute and expensive and FREE, and I had to get a data plan so I got the cheap one. Only now I'm afraid to do anything since it's not unlimited and I have no idea how many MBs I'm going to use.
3. My jewelry parties have been slacking (some cancels in May) which could have been a good thing considering how busy I was in May (see #4) but now I'm kinda screwed for June/July. One good thing is that I signed up a new jeweler! I'm pretty dang stoked about that.
4. I threw a kick ass surprise 30th birthday party for Pissboy, which he loved (or so he says). I also co-threw a kick ass fabulous baby shower for one of my best friends. I told you I was busy. I actually love planning parties, but I'd probably love it more with someone else's money.
5. This one sucks...my mom's dog is not doing well, and will probably not be with us too much longer. I am quite distraught over this, as is my mother and sister. We're not dog lovers, we're dog parents and sisters and such. Praying he doesn't suffer, that's the worst thing.
6. I am desperately trying to get a new job because I loathe my current one so much. I had a great phone interview on Tuesday and I'm just waiting for HR to call me and set up the in-person interview I was promised. If I don't hear from them by tomorrow I'm following up. I happen to know that they are quite short-staffed. Pray, people, not only for my paycheck but for my sanity.
7. There are too many projects at my home to list, but I'm slowly getting things done. More slowly than I'd like, but when I'm motivated it's hard to motivate PB all the time. I kinda wish he'd be more proactive.
8. PB and I are doing great...living together is working out pretty well so far. Now if we could just get these bills taken care of so we'd get our finances regulated.
9. Some really great festivals in the neighborhood are happening RIGHT NOW so that's always a fun thing. One of my favorite events of the year.

So that's it for now. Nothing earth-shattering but lots keeping me busy.

Mother, tell your children not to walk my way...

2010-04-20T18:41:00.007-04:00

My mother, who is one of the greatest people I know, can also be one of the most hurtful people I know.

We're talking about a woman who sacrificed much for my sister and me. She was born to be a mother and did a hell of a job raising us, despite some major hurdles along the way. But as much as I love, respect, and admire her, she infurates me more than most people.

When PB and I had our issues, I didn't go to her. I couldn't bear the hurt it was going to cause her to have to witness what I was going through. At that time, I didn't want to inflict that on her. She knew only that we had broken up.

One day after I'd decided to give him a second chance, she asked me point blank if he cheated. I didn't lie, but I didn't go through all the dirty details. She surprised me by saying that forgiveness is important, no matter where the relationship ends up, and that if I'm more happy with him than without him, then maybe it's worth salvaging.

I was both touched and relieved by this.

More than a year has passed since then. My sister has been unhappy with my decision to stay with him, and only started to thaw a bit recently, but my mom was relatively supportive. I can tell when she's holding back or not entirely thrilled with the situation, but for the most part she's been ok with him.

Then yesterday I made the mistake of letting her in on something personal that has been on my mind lately.

Facebook suggested a new friend for me recently...my ex-boyfriend. He was the one I was with for most of my 20's, and we broke up 4 years ago. God, as I type that I can't even believe it's been that long.

We had a good relationship, but I knew from day one that it wasn't going to last forever, and that I'd never marry him. As much as I loved him, I knew our relationship had an expiration date. 6 years later, that date had come and it ended. It was horribly sad, and probably the most difficult break-up I've ever been through, but I knew it was for the best.

So when Facebook suggested him, I didn't add him as a friend (even though there's no bad blood that I know of, I didn't think it was a good idea) but I did look at his profile. I managed to figure out from wall posts that his dad is in the hospital, and was or is in a coma for some reason. After much thought I decided to drop him a line to wish his family well in this difficult time. I called him, but his number has apparently been changed, so I did what I really didn't want to do, and wrote him a message on Facebook. It just said that I saw that his father is sick, I tried to call, and that I hope he and his family are ok, and they're in my thoughts and prayers. That's it.

He responded a few days later saying thanks, things are better, and he hopes I'm well. Nothing more than that. I decided to let it go and not respond back. If he wanted to divulge or speak to me more, he would have.

The situation made me a bit sad. It's hard to think that this family, who was more or less my own family for 6 years, is going through such a trauma and although I care a great deal, I'm completely on the outside. Although it's sad, I'm ok with this, because it has to be this way for a number of reasons, the most important of which being the following two: First, it may cause more hurt to my ex for me to be around, and second, he has a girlfriend, and a whole new life separate from me. I don't want to do anything to disrupt that or make anyone uncomfortable. It's no longer my place. So while it's appropriate for me to stay away, it's still sad.

I mentioned all this to my mom last night, and regretted it almost immediately.

First she asked why I was sad, so I explained. She seemed to get it, but then she decides to tell me how hard it was for her and my sister when we broke up. I already knew it was hard on everyone, his family, my family, and obviously the two of us. Then she used the word "devastated" to describe how my sister felt about it.

This threw me. I knew we were all upset, but I didn't realize just how upset they were. She goes on to tell me that my sister looked at him like a brother in law, and she had a really hard time with the break up. She also told me about when she (mom) ran into him and his dad not long after, and how both he and my mom teared up, etc. She says this is why she tries not to get involved with our boyfriends, because it's hard when it's over, he was a good guy, etc. She harped on this point.

Really, mom? Is this what I need to be hearing right now?

I got the feeling that this was her subtle way of telling me she wasn't happy with my choices, and perhaps she wished I was still with my ex. Maybe that's just me projecting that on her, but it's the feeling I got from her tone, and this is not a good feeling. It really pissed me off.

I tried to get off this topic by cutting if off with a comment like "well, he is a great guy, just not the right one for me". Which is true...if we were supposed to be together, we would be. I wouldn't have been uncertain, filled with doubt, and feeling like I was settling for a life I didn't necessarily want. There are lots of wonderful people out there...I'm not meant to be with all of them.

So then of course out of left field she starts asking me about my new living situation with PB. It almost sounded accusatory after the conversation we just had. She asked me things like how do we split the bills, etc. I was a bit taken aback.

The conversation then moved on to my car, and as innocuous as that may sound, I felt like she was criticizing me about that, too. She knows I want a new car and asked what kind I was going to get, so I told her the same one I have now, just new. She goes on to say what a shame that is, because everyone loves that car, people are always saying that, and I've kept it looking so nice, etc. Jesus, mom! Are you really giving me a guilt trip about wanting to replace my 9 year old car that keeps needing expensive repair? REALLY?

So I got off the phone as quickly as I could, which was not nearly quickly enough. By this point, I was just pissed. The good mood I had been in was long gone.

It's amazing to me how someone who has been such an angel in my life can rip me apart like that. Do I ever experience uncertainty? Of course I do! But do I know that the decisions I've made up to now have been the right ones for me, for whatever reason? Yes. I'm sure of it. If I was meant to be with my ex, it would have worked out. I wouldn't have started dreading his calls. I wouldn't have pulled away like I did, not wanting to be romantic. I wouldn't have toiled about the decision to end things and devastated him the way I did when I finally had to. I wouldn't have let him go. But I did...because I know in my heart that it was the right thing for both of us.

And today I'm in love with someone else. We've had the worst of times, and managed to come through it and we're still working through it because we love each other enough to do that. I'm happy with this and look forward to what is to come. What I want is what I have.

Well, that and a new car.

Oh God, I almost forgot...

2010-04-14T21:11:00.004-04:00

I frickin read Twilight. Yeah...I had to. I just couldn't make fun of my friends and call them Twitards without at least knowing what it was all about. So I read it.

Let me say this...I get it. I get why teenagers love it, as well as lonely housewives, single women, women in lousy relationships looking for a romantic escape. I also get the fact that these are not the only demographic who are into this series.

When I was a kid, I would have eaten this UP. I would have been sucked in (excuse the pun, it's unintentional) just as badly as the rest of them, pining away for my own Edward to come along and wisk me away from my humble life. Oh yeah, I totally would have been on team Edward, by the way.

I get it. It was a fast read (I literally just sat down and read the damn thing in a matter of hours) and it was not completely uninteresting.

I do not, however, have any desire to venture further into this series, or EVER watch any of those movies. I just loathe Kristen Stewart on screen and the story didn't grab me enough to want to sit through it. I won't belittle the story, the characters, the author, and all the other usual suspects when it comes to Twilight. I won't say that it's the downfall of our civilization, or even idiot teenagers. I'll just say that it's not for me.

And now I can continue to make fun of my friends and feel a little better about it.

I must admit...I did sort of enjoy the part where Bella was getting beat up by that one hunter or tracker or whatever vampire. That was my favorite part.

To blog...or not to blog...that is the question.

2010-04-14T20:26:00.003-04:00

I have really been slacking in the blog department.
I can tell you that this little break wasn’t entirely by accident. For awhile the subject most on my mind was the one I wanted to talk about the least. I started to write a couple of times but 2 sentences in would hit the X and walk away.
What I don’t want is for this blog to turn into some weepy, self-serving cry for attention. I don’t want to post every time I’m feeling down or whenever I’m having a lousy day, complaining and feeling sorry for myself. This blog was never intended to be an angry rant. The problem is, that is when I feel most compelled to write.
Truthfully, I don’t know what this blog is meant to be. It started with a response to the story Pissboy told about us, so it didn’t begin on a light or happy note, really. Our story (one side of it) was already out there, and I saw it as an opportunity to not just spill my guts on unwitting strangers, but to let go of some of the thoughts and feelings I was having throughout our troubles. It was a continuation of our story, and while every post has not been about us, the foundation of this blog was just that.
I’ve been conflicted along the way, wondering just how much to reveal. Some of you are no longer strangers out there in the internet universe, but people whose faces I see fairly frequently. Some of you have become our friends-in real life, not just online. So it’s begun to feel a bit strange when I put our business out there, or hash out some emotional issue I’m having via this blog. I’m not just anonymously casting these feelings out into the universe for strangers to view and sometimes weigh in, helpful or not, supportive or not. It's personal.
And it’s not just me that I have to think about. How much information does he want out there, for friends and acquaintances to see? Part of me argues, “well he started it”, but that’s not very helpful. Or fair.
I'm conflicted. This isn't the first time I've posted a blog like this. I am not really sure what to do at the moment.
I'll say this much:
Fuck Jesse James and Tiger Woods. Fuck them both very much.

Rant: Over

2010-02-23T21:28:00.007-05:00

Sorry about the rant, folks. I was not in a good mood yesterday.

I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that I have my car back from Mechanic #3, it's not fixed, but I'm not nearly as mad as I was. We're waiting for the check engine light to come on so that the computer can read definitively what is wrong with my car, rather than Mechanic #3 guessing and unnecessarily charging me a bunch of dough to "fix" something that isn't broken.

So I'm calmer. Mechanic #3 seems cool so far.

I'm also calmer because this weekend PB and I have a plan. We have a plan to organize the house-not the whole thing, just the parts still in a disarray since the official move-in. I'm a giant dork for being excited about this, but I'm a partial* neat freak so this makes me happy. Having a plan makes me happy. Knowing that I'm going to have help and I won't have to angrily throw things into drawers and boxes while fuming about the lack of help, like I have been doing.

The (relatively) minor chaos in my house is adding to my bad mood. So is my impending girlie time.

Another plan we talked about also makes me happier...the financial one. I have a goal to get a new car by the end of the year and I will need to accomplish a few things first. 1. Pay down some debt, and 2. make some room in the budget for a car payment. When I mentioned this PB didn't run away, pointing at me, screaming "debtor, DEBTOR!" at the top of his lungs, he actually spoke of us working out a financial plan together to help us both out and for me to accomplish this goal.

I was floored. Apparently part of living together is forming a partnership, in more ways than just geographically. I guess I've got a bit to learn in this department.

So while I've still got the very same problems I had yesterday, I've been talked off the cliff and I'm calmer than I've been in awhile. Yay.

*"Partial" means that I am insane about being neat at times, and in certain rooms. If my first floor isn't presentable, I feel nuts. However, my office has looked like an episode of Hoarders for the last 2 years. Go figure.

Fuck You, Car.

2010-02-21T17:33:00.006-05:00

My stupid fucking car is stupid fucking broken. And the stupid fucking mechanics haven't figured out what's fucking wrong with it.

After being snowed in for over a week, I finally got to drive my stupid fucking car. I was "wheeeee!!!" for a fleeting moment...then my car started doing what I can only describe as "bucking".

I took it to mechanic #1: $468 later, still no remedy. Maybe transmission problem, go see a transmission specialist.

Mechanic #2: It's not a transmission problem, it's the engine. Go see an engine specialist.

Today is the day that I drop it off at mechanic #3, who I'm sure is poised to rob me.

I want a new car. So badly that I can taste it. But 1, I can't afford a payment right now, and my current soul-sucker is paid off, and 2, I want to pay down some debt first so that I have a chance in hell of getting a very low or 0% rate like I did last time.

I'm frustrated. Times like this make me miss my stupid fucking dad...he was decent at fixing cars, although I'm sure anything involving something like a tranny or an engine would have been beyond his expertise. But if he was less of a douche he could have at least saved me $468.

Stupid fucking dad. Stupid fucking car.

Mi Casa es Su Casa

2010-02-01T23:12:00.002-05:00

Well, it’s official. We’re shacked up, living in sin, having the cow for free, so to speak. And I find myself…happy.

Yesterday we removed the last of his belongings to either a dumpster or to my…ahem, our house. He turned in his keys, left the forwarding address, and came “home” for the first time, officially.
I find myself smiling as I write this.

There’s something symbolic about this…not just the next step in our relationship, but it marks the close of a chapter as well. Shedding himself of this apartment doesn’t just mean that he no longer pays rent for what had essentially become a one bedroom storage unit, it also frees us from a part of the past. A part that was dark, the events which occurred within those walls. Like a crime scene.
I admit, I didn’t dare set foot in the bedroom. I could feel her in the whole apartment and found myself wondering where she had been, what she had touched, what she left.

This feels like some baggage has been left behind. To me the apartment was a last tie to the past. This may sound a little crazy but I began to see it as a hideout, and a place he could keep secrets from me, and I didn’t like it. It’s not as if he’d been using it in that way for the past year, but there was a time that he did, so I suppose it’s not entirely unwarranted. Leaving that place means he’s giving up the shadows and secrets.

It’s also symbolic of growing up. Losing the bachelor pad and building a life in an adult relationship. A loving relationship, not one of convenience or born out of loneliness or boredom. A relationship we both want to be in and that we’re working hard for.

I’m happy. I’m happy he’s away from all that, both geographically and emotionally. I’m happy that he wants to be together, sharing a home and our lives. I’m happy that he has cut the ties that weighed him down-the bullshit, the so-called friends, and finally, the apartment.

Despite all this, moving doesn’t magically fix anything. I still ache. I still think about it every day, and wonder if I know the whole truth. I still ask why it happened. I still look for her. I still have an issue with redheads (irrational, I know, and I’m sorry, gingers). I still wish every day that she would fall off the face of the planet. These feelings aren’t really within my control, unfortunately.

But overall I’m happy. It’s a giant positive step forward for both of us and it makes me look forward to our future together. In our home.

Is this what we've come to?

2010-01-08T18:11:00.010-05:00

When we're dead and gone, and the aliens are digging up evidence that we existed (yes, that is from AI), I am preemptively embarrassed that this is what they will find. Miss Tila Tequila, the most disgusting person on earth.
A person of no discernible talent, who has nothing of value to offer humanity. Someone who got famous for having a ridiculous number of "friends" on a stupid, narcissistic social networking site. A person who remained famous for pretending to be bisexual to titillate "fans", wearing lingerie, being on a low-brow "reality" show, whoring around on camera, and appearing in a sex tape.
But all of this is pretty tame compared to her latest venture.
This chick hooks up with an obviously troubled young lady who apparently had a drug problem, legal problems, and had recently lost custody of her daughter. Someone who was in the middle of a downward spiral. And what does Miss Tequila do? She latches on to this girl to get her name in the tabloids once again.
And now this young lady is dead. Tila's reaction? She "tweets". And tweets and tweets and tweets, about how she's grieving, about how much she loved this girl, about how sad she is.
Really, Tila? When did you have time to grieve, when you were too busy updating your Twitter feed so that you could keep the attention of all your "fans"? (Fans-that's a term I use loosely. What exactly are they fans of? Skankery?)
The very next day we find Miss Tequila, the grieving widow, posing outside her home, all dolled up, fake cans out and proud, smiling while the paps click away. She climbed a goddamn tree for Christ's sake. And smiled and posed for the cameras. Basking in the attention.
And when bloggers and news outlets pointed out how abnormal this kind of behavior is for a "grieving" person, she had the audacity to take a picture of herself with tears running down her face, gazing forlornly at the empty space next to her in her bed, and post it online. She even washed off her makeup before conjuring up the fake tears or splashing water on her face, however she did it. So that we would know just how sad she is.
I think that's what did it...that last picture. The self portrait, the fake tears, the insincere Twitter post.
Only someone truly twisted and soulless would take the death of a troubled person and use it to gain more notoriety (think Joe Jackson). Use it as a media ploy, a way to extend her 15 minutes. This kind of behavior is not just narcissistic, it's psychopathic.
Sadly, this is what we've come to. This is the kind of person born of media, tabloids, internet narcissism. She is a figurehead for everything that is wrong in society today-someone who makes money and gains fame by contributing absolutely nothing.
I'm sorry aliens...we're not all like that.
PS, hey Tila, fuck you.

Fa la la la la...

2009-12-29T14:01:00.003-05:00

So things went well. There was a little awkwardness, I guess, but overall, Christmas was good. :)
Christmas Eve and morning spent at my mom's, Christmas day dinner at my cousin's inlaws for raviolis, Saturday evening at my cousin's and up to Philly to see some rather fabulous people, and then Sunday dinner and presents with PB's family.
I got to spend the holiday with the man I love, and visiting the family and friends I wanted to see.
Now on to NYE.
What's everybody doing?

Tradition vs Change

2009-12-16T18:51:00.006-05:00

I've been thinking about what the hell we're going to do for Christmas this year. It's going to be a little different.
For the past few years, since my parents split up, I've had my mom and sister to my house for Christmas Eve. We went to church, they spent the night, and we'd wake up the next day to open presents and I'd cook breakfast. This tradition was started by me the first year we celebrated without my dad, and after they sold the house and my mom was living in a shitty little trailer. It's worked up until now. Or last year, really.
Last year was a strange one for me. Long story short, my sister's boyfriend stayed the night with us (not an issue, just a new thing), and my sister and mom got into a fight which prompted my mother to leave early on Christmas morning, leaving me to cook for my sister and her boyfriend only. My mom was kind of a pain about coming to my place for Christmas anyway, because she always acted like packing up her dog was such a hassle. She also puts off wrapping presents until the last minute, so she always had to lug all that stuff over and was up late doing that. Last year Pissboy was not there because he was with his family celebrating their Christmas tradition, and had spent quite a bit of the night with his sister in the ER (she leaned on a pillow which had a sewing needle in it-ouch). Not to mention the problems we were having (and the ones I didn't know we were having) around this time last year.
I made up my mind that last year would be the final year of the Christmas Eve overnight at my place. Mom is out of the trailer, my sister and her boyfriend will be coming to town and staying with her (I assume), and I would like to spend the night at home, with my boyfriend and my dog, and relax if at all possible.
So this leads to the question...how are we going to do this?
My assumption is that Christmas Eve will be spent with my family, apart from PB. He'll probably be with his. Eventually we'll come home and have the rest of the night together. But what about Christmas Day? Not sure how the morning will pan out. My sister isn't exactly on the friendliest terms with PB after our issues. This could be a problem. Is it best to avoid? I haven't really figured out how we're going to handle that.
This year will be a transitional one. It'll be the first one where I consider us to be a real couple, making decisions together about our Christmas. The first one that isn't completely centered around my mom, and my sister.
The first one where I'm not trying to take responsibility for everyone's plans and replacing the role of my dad. There was a time for that...and I think that time has passed. Is this Christmas/Independence Day? Maybe.
What are your traditions? Are you doing anything differently this year? Did you have a transitional year, where your traditions changed? How did you handle it?
Dish, people. I'll be off getting drunk.

Christmas time is here...happiness and cheer...

2009-12-05T21:22:00.007-05:00

It's Christmas time. And I have a little story to share.

Several years ago , my mother and I were in Philadelphia on the afternoon of Christmas eve. It's become kind of a tradition for us to go to Philly and get last minute items at the Italian Market or Reading Terminal Market on Christmas eve.
It was a tough year...the first year we had Christmas since my parents split up and we had become estranged from my father.
We were in the Italian Market section of the city, and we had just bought several bottles of wine and various other items. We entered a store which sells all sorts of fun gift items, such as glassware, soaps, sun catchers and other tchotchkes.
I hung out near the front of the store guarding all the wine we were lugging around while my mother shopped. She stopped at a wire tree covered in crystal ornaments. She commented to me on one in particular, a chandelier. It was quite beautiful, and I said so.
A man had walked into the store, and I probably smiled at him and maybe said hello, I can't remember. He was an average looking guy probably in his late 30s, about 5'10, a little stocky, but one thing stuck out to me-he had these beautiful clear blue eyes. He went over to the ornament tree my mom was looking at and pulled out the chandelier ornament we had commented on. He looked at me as if for approval and I commented again on how beautiful it was. I figured he was a typical guy, out looking for that last minute gift for his significant other.
He hands me the ornament and asks me to hold it for him, seeing that I was obviously not going anywhere any time soon since I had all those wine bottles to guard. I agreed, and he walked up to the register and paid.
Then he walked out of the store.
At first I just stood there, still holding the ornament, perplexed. I finally managed to stammer "did he just buy this for me?" to which the sales clerk replied yes, and didn't I know him? I looked at my mom, who was also confused. Then it hits me. This man just bought me a gift for no reason, and walked out, not wanting any thanks or recognition.
I ran out of the store and looked up and down the street. At first I didn't see him, but then caught a glimpse of him walking away. I yelled down the street "THANK YOU!!" and ran to catch up. He turned around, and I could tell from the look on his face that he hadn't wanted me to catch up to him. I don't even know what I said...I think I managed to sputter out the words thank you, it was so kind, etc. He just looked at me with those clear blue eyes and said that thanks was not necessary, and to have a Merry Christmas.
I walked back to the store to meet my mother. I told her and the sales clerk that I had found him, and he just said to have a Merry Christmas. Then I started to cry.
All 3 of us were in tears...and my mother said that I had just met Santa Claus. The sales lady said it was Jesus.
I'm smiling through tears as I type this even now.
This is just a simple story about a very small act of kindness I was lucky enough to witness one Christmas eve. I don't know who that man was, or whether it was some form of Jesus or Santa Claus. All I know is that he helped me to feel joy at a time when I felt like everything was falling apart. He shined a little bit of hope in a hopeless situation. With a $20 ornament, he helped to remind me that it's not about what we lose, it's about what we have to be thankful for every day. And Christmas is the time to celebrate that.
I don't know if he realized the impact he would have on me, but I'll never forget this man and I have told this story in one way or another every year since it happened. I think I will always remember it as the day I met an angel.
And my beautiful crystal chandelier ornament hangs in its place of honor, just above my living room window, where I can look up at it every day and smile at the memory of a stranger extending a little kindness to a sad girl on Christmas eve.

Big Moves

2009-11-07T19:37:00.009-05:00

So...posting this might seem kind of bipolar considering what I wrote 2 posts ago. It's ok, though, my blog isn't an every day or even every week thing. It's nothing more than a snapshot of a point in time, a thought I had which compelled me to sit in front of this soul sucking machine and pour something out to you folks.
PB is moving in, officially, in January. He's at his apartment right now cleaning out some stuff, and we've made a plan to start cleaning out stuff I have to make room for his.
This is huge for me. Like, more huge than I can even express, and not for the reason you think (although that has a little something to do with it). I've never, ever, in my whole existence wanted to live with someone. I've lived alone for the past 8 years, happily. I always said I wasn't going to live with someone unless we were getting married, and marriage has never been high on my list of priorities. In fact, I wouldn't even say it's on the list.
So why the change of heart (and co-habitation status)? I dunno. I suppose some of the reason could be attributed to the fact that I've never wanted to live with any of the guys I've dated before, even the serious, long-termers. I couldn't see myself co-habitating with any of them, so I figured I couldn't see it with anyone.
That's changed.
I made it clear, however, that I do not play house just to play house. I've never lived with a sig-other before so this isn't some whim for me. This is kind of a "this is it" scenario (MJ shoutout-shamon)...long term, aka permanent. Or as permanent as God and our hearts see fit, I suppose. It won't be much of a change-he hasn't slept in his apartment or spent any time there other than to get some clothes and pick up mail for about 6 months now. What will change is there will be a bed in the guest room (some weird feelings on that...I might elaborate later, but not now), a bigger tv in the living room, we'll split bills, and although it's my house, this will be our home.
Sometimes I stop and ask myself if I'm moving too fast. With what happened at this time last year and everything we went through I can't help but have that question. I wonder if I took him back too fast, if we're ready, if I'm ready. I think I am. I think about the official day and smile, so that's a good sign.
How do I feel about cohabitating now? Pretty much the same as I always did...that it's not something to take lightly, and not something you do to "see if you can" before committing to marriage. I hate when people say that. I understand that you never really know someone until you live with them, but I always feel like it's a cop out to live together as a trial thing. If you're going to get married you should love each other enough to figure it out and compromise, in my humble, never married opinion. Call bullshit if you want, but that's how I see it. I think that's why most marriages fail when people live together first-it's because they're never fully committed to begin with if they have to "try it out" first.
I'm not going into it with that attitude. We're not talking marriage, and it may or may not be in our future, who knows at this point? What I am doing is trying to see this as clearly as possible, knowing that the reason we're making this happen is because we love each other enough that we want to share our lives and a home together. That's it.
And I'm pretty damn excited.

Boop Boop Be Doop

2009-10-14T21:27:00.003-04:00

So I've decided on Betty Boop (for now). PB had a great suggestion of doing the "black and white" Betty, since I'll be sporting a black dress. Which means making my skin white. A novel idea, I'm going to try it out and see how it goes. Now to find a good wig...
Thankfully I have the perfect black dress from last NYE...sweetheart neckline and all. Now that I've nailed this down I'm finally getting a little excited about Halloween! Woohoo!

A Bad Day

2009-10-13T12:46:00.002-04:00

I’m so frustrated. My head is in a bad place and I don’t know how to get it out.

This thing with PB happened almost exactly a year ago, and we've been doing so great. But lately I’ve been catching myself thinking about what he was thinking and doing at this time last year. This was about the time things started getting tense between us, but back then I couldn’t understand why.

Lately I can’t keep my mind from wandering to those months when things were bad, before I found out what was really happening. Like when I saw that she texted him Happy Thanksgiving. And when he texted her (and others) on New Year’s right in front of me. And the times I knew he was down at his ex-friends' house, watching football and she was there. And when he went to her house to supposedly give “closure” and he ended up hanging out and they watched the VP debate together, while I sat at home wondering what the hell was taking so long. And when word got back to me about things his ex-friends' were saying about him and her to my friends. And right before the infamous email…I found out he had been hanging out with her one on one, and it broke my heart before I even knew what was really going on.

I can’t get the image out of my head of the 2 of them together, both the cheating he admits to and the night he still says nothing happened except talking. I can see her in his arms, and I wonder what he told her about us, about me, and what he said to her about getting back together. This does me absolutely no good. These thoughts are poison.

I think about what she told me-that he showed no remorse about what happened, except that he didn’t want me to find out. I have a hard time imagining the man I see today being that way, but he was different then, so it’s not that hard for me to imagine that man being exactly how she said.

I still wonder if the intimacy only happened once like he says, or multiple times like she says. Unless one day he confesses that it did happen more than once, I don’t think I’ll ever feel that I know the truth about that because no matter how many times he tells me she lied, I’ll always have doubts. I ask myself if it matters…and I don’t know the answer to that. Would I still want to forgive him if it was an ongoing thing, especially after all this time? Would that make all of it even worse? Even when I know that they had discussions about him ending our relationship and getting back with her, which is what really hurts the most, I think. I don’t know if it would make a difference or not, but I do know that it would hurt me to know that he was telling another lie.

I don’t know where I’m going with all this, other than to say that lately I’m having a hard time. It’s like having flashbacks, almost. I’m feeling sad again and sometimes angry. I look at him and even though I feel such love for this man I still feel that betrayal. Last year at this time I started having some concerns about our relationship…12 months have passed since then, and still some days leave me feeling that insecurity all over again. Most days I feel loved and happy, and looking forward to our future. Yet others, these thoughts make their way into my head again and I feel exactly as I did then, insecure about our relationship and his feelings toward me, only now with the horrible knowledge that I did have something to worry about.

So I’m frustrated. I’m trying not to show it to him but I’m having a really hard time lately. It's so hard to talk about, and the last thing I want to do is start a fight. Last night I couldn’t get rid of the thoughts and felt like jumping out of my skin, so I had to get out of the room and try to focus on something else. I want to move on and be over this. I want these thoughts and doubts out of my head. I want these memories and images to leave me be and this pain to be GONE. But I don’t know if this scar is ever going to heal. And I don't know what to do about it.

You have an assignment...

2009-10-06T19:47:00.006-04:00

I need a Halloween costume, stat. Normally I'm pretty good at this but I've had so much going on lately that I haven't even had time to think.
My first thought was Octo-Mom, with wax lips and 8 baby-dolls strung together. But I'm kinda thinking I want to be something purty.
The party I'm going to has a Carnival theme - like a really effed up carnival, with killer clowns and side-show freaks. Sooooo...I wouldn't mind keeping in theme, but not in a bearded-lady kinda way, ya know? Although right when I wrote that, I got a really sick bearded-lady idea...involving a short skirt and and an unkempt wig. HAHAHAHA
I'm kind of a sicko. That's why I sleep with Pissboy.
Anyhoo...don't let that stroke of genius deter you...ideas, please.

Pretty please!

Baby's First Jewelry Show

2009-10-04T20:22:00.005-04:00

Well folks, I had my first solo jewelry party today and I must say, I did a bang up job. :) Not perfect, but it went well, and I don't think I bored them to death. Happy to have one under my belt, and many more scheduled!
I'm pleased. I felt good doing my presentation and had a lot of fun today. Can't wait for the next one.

Busy Little Bee

2009-09-28T18:22:00.007-04:00

I am not usually one to post a "status" blog (I'd post a lot more often, but then I'd be spending more time in front of this soul-sucking lit up box, and not out doing stuff to write about-see what I did there?), however life has been so good/nutty lately, I felt compelled to give one. Have I lost you yet? Thought so. Don't worry, I'm not offended.
Let's start with an update of my little jewelry biz...I had my training party and it went smashingly. 21 guests crammed into my little casa! It was tight, but fortunately they are all relatively clean and good smelling, so that's a plus. Got my little business off to a nice start, and booked pretty regular parties into November. Plus I'm still having a great time playing with all my new fabulous jewelry. I'm such a chick.
Three days later, I left for a very relaxing and wonderful vacation with the Pissboy. Oh my, did we enjoy ourselves. Who knew there was so much to do in Williamsburg? Winery tour/tasting, Busch Gardens, Colonial W'burg, ghost tours, pirate tours, William and Mary, quaint shopping/restaurant area, etc. We never ran out of things to do, and had such a nice time together. We're both super stressed at work (we work for the same company, not in the same dept) and we both hate it, so it was nice to get away from the stress and just spend some time having fun together. Plus it was our first vacation together, so it was kind of a milestone.
So there was bangin'. Somebody had to say it.
To top it all off, while I was away, my name was picked in a drawing for Philadelphia Eagles tickets that weekend! I got to go to the new stadium for the first time, we had great seats, and the birds won! And we ran into some fabulous Pajibans! That was a fantastic way to end a vacation.
Now I'm back to the craziness...my first solo jewelry party this weekend, many more to come, birthdays, football, and of course, work. Boo. I can't exactly say I'm glad to be home and dealing with the responsibilities once again, but I'm excited to begin this next phase and see where 2009 ends. The year didn't start off so well...but it's looking better and better every day.

Impatient

2009-09-01T18:44:00.015-04:00

I wanna have my damn training party already.
I'm sooooooo prepared. Over-prepared, some might say. I want to keep this simple, yet I'm prepared for the friggin jewelry apocalypse.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm obsessing over my upcoming career as an obnoxious jewelry lady.
I read the handbook cover to cover. I watched the home show DVD. I am listening to the helpful tips CD in the car. Every day I run in the door after work and check my email for updates, peruse the website for helpful info and various links to supplies. When a delivery comes, I tear into it like a kid on Christmas morning. I got my starter kit, and oh, the joy of playing with all that jewelry. You wouldn't believe how fun it is to order fun little display things, like necklace easels and bracelet t-bars and earring trees. Or the giddy glee I felt when I found a pair of iron table top votive holders I am no longer using in the house with which I can creatively display multiple items. Oh, I'm so crafty! Stocking up my little prize box with fun small items and getting the sweet little tennis bracelets to use as giveaways was pure elation.
My favorite part of the morning is once I'm dressed, consulting my handy padded zip-up jewelry case with my velvet-lined wooden trays and SMORGASBORD of jewelry inside to plan what accessory ensemble I will don today. Will it be classic pearls, paired with shiny silver hoops and a cuff watch, or an eye-catching pewter-colored pendant in the shape of a flower with a chunky ring? The possibilities are endless!
Oh! And the best part. When someone compliments my jewelry! OHJOYOHJOYOHJOY! I get to tell them where I got it! And when they say they just love that stuff, I get to say I just happen to have this catalog with me, would you like to look at it? Oh, here's an order form for you, in case you see something you like! Here, take my business card!
I have one order in the bag already, and one on the way, with the possibility of a third. 2 future parties already booked and on the calendar. I'm ready; I'm prepped; I'm excited. And my training party isn't for another 2 weeks.
Do I feel a little nuts? Absolutely. Am I enjoying every glittery, shiny minute? You bet your ass I am.

Anyone else see this?

2009-08-10T17:00:00.002-04:00

Or is it just me?
PS, it's really effing hot today.

Birth of a Saleswoman

2009-08-07T16:56:00.018-04:00

Soooooo...I'm starting a new venture.
No, not prostitution. Pervs.
I have been lamenting for awhile now about my lack of funds. I am, in a word, house poor. Whoops, that's 2 words. I bought my house almost exactly 2 years ago and my debt has increased because of it. Now, while I'm still gainfully employed and I don't have a real problem paying bills, I am feeling stretched. I find myself looking forward to tax returns more and more as we get later in the year.
I've thought about a few different options. At the end of last year I started working on Sundays at my favorite little shop, full of home decor, jewelry, and things you didn't know you needed. It was under the table, but still not enough to do more than use it for bar or gas money. And every Sunday was occupied, meaning that I had significantly less time to do the things at home I needed to get done. Plus it cut into football. Ouch.
So I've thought about those independent sales type jobs we women are very well aware of. Pampered Chef. Partylite. Southern Living. Tastefully Simple. The list goes on and on...and none of them sounded all that fun to me. Or worthwhile, money-wise.
I thought about doing sex toy parties. Those could be fun...but I would have to pre-pay for a lot of inventory and lug it around to the parties. And although there are lots of women out there who enjoy hosting these (They're so fun, have one if you never have before. Seriously, it's a great time.), I figured the market is a little small for that sort of thing.
A girlfriend of mine has just begun one of these jobs selling chocolate. I hadn't even heard of this until she mentioned it to me, and although it sounds like a fun idea, I don't think I want to have to show up to somebody's house with a ton of perishable items and have to (gasp!) cook. Oh no. Not me.
So what did I want to do? I think I was pretty well set on what I didn't want to do. Now I just had to pick something.
And now I have. Jewelry.
I am going to start doing fashion (not fine) jewelry home shows. I LOVE jewelry, and this one company in particular has a nice selection and pretty decent prices for this kind of thing. There are a couple other jewelry companies out there that I've experienced and they either do not have the greatest product, or they are way too expensive. The one I picked seems to work in both capacities, at least for me. One of my favorite rings is from this company.
I think this is something I can excel in. I have an outgoing personality, I love being up in front of crowds, and (hopefully) making people laugh. There's something to be said for a great piece of jewelry...it makes, completes, or changes a look, and makes a woman feel pretty, and unique. This has been my experience, and I think having that kind of feeling about a product can be an asset when selling it. It helps that I was a customer first, and enjoy the hell out of the merchandise. I also think it will be helpful that I'll actually enjoy what I'm doing, which is helping ladies find a fun piece of jewelry that will make them feel a little more special when they wear it.
The flexibility will be nice, because I can fit parties into my busy schedule. There will be a lot of prep work involved, and the start up costs are daunting, but first, I think I'll be able to pay that back rather quickly if I manage to book some parties. Second, the preparation will be worth it to me because not only will I enjoy what I'm doing, I'll take pride in seeing the end result of that hard work in a great party.
I'm pretty excited about this at the moment. I thought about it for a long time, and so far, as a 2nd form of income, I think this is a nice fit. Wish me luck. :)

No Whining Wednesday

2009-07-29T18:40:00.005-04:00

This doesn't really have anything to do with the title, but I felt like it, so there. Quit yer bitchin', it's No Whining Wednesday.
See what I did there?

Fat Ass

2009-07-20T17:22:00.007-04:00

I’m going to share something personal. No, it’s not about my relationship.
I am overweight and I hate it.
Duh-duh-duuuuhhhhhh
Yeah, not really earth shattering…but personal and painful to me just the same.
I’m not a really large person or what you would consider obese in any way. But at 5’3", I should weigh less than I do, and I should definitely be wearing smaller sizes than I do. I’m unhappy with how I look and feel in clothes. I’m conscious of how I stand and what is covered up by clothes and positioning.
I’m sick of it.
I’ve been this way for years. Since college I’ve gained weight probably every year but last year. I had to wear something skimpy on stage and I was mortified…I began eating better and exercising on a regular basis and lost quite a bit of weight, but first, I still did not get down to an comfortable weight or size, and second, I’ve gained a few back recently, as a recent trip to the doctor revealed.
This is my fault. I do not have the metabolism I once had, nor am I as active as I once was, when I could eat anything and not be over 115lbs. I’m not even fantasizing about getting back to that size. I’m fine with having curves, in fact, I embrace them. I was blessed with a rack, and some booty. I don’t care if I have thighs, because even at my skinniest, I always had thighs. I’m good with all this.
What I want is to feel comfortable, to stop fidgeting and crossing my arms when I sit down to hide my stomach which is popping out. I want to look at a picture of me and not immediately scan it for my size compared to those in it with me. I want to stop thinking about how chubby my face looks in pictures. I want to be able to shop with friends without being embarassed or hiding the sizes I try on. I want to see people I haven't seen in a long time and not wonder if they're thinking "God, she really packed it on". I want to not have a knee-jerk negative reaction when my man tells me we're going to a party that involves bathing suits. I want to look better naked. I want to stop feeling so self-conscious about my flab when I'm in bed with my him, wondering if I gross him out. I want to stop thinking about how much smaller his ex is than me (yes, that ex), and how next to her I must look like a fat giant.
I'm sick of it.
Something that has plagued my thoughts for years is the "fat sister, skinny sister" thing. My mom is tiny, and her older sister is obese. My father has 2 sisters, the older is obese, and the younger was always smaller. My younger sister is 5'6" and lean. I have no idea how much she weighs but she's got a flat stomach, thin arms, and not a hint of cellulite. So this basically makes me the candidate for the role of "fat sister". And unfortunately, if you look at the two of us together, I already am.
So what to do... I LOATHE the gym. I am not a fan of fruits or vegetables, in general. My boyfriend and I have talked about getting a gym membership together but that has yet to happen. I am going to dust off the treadmill. I am going to make better decisions about what I eat. This started last night, actually, and so far I've been pretty good today.
I hope this is a turning point for me and I really stick with it. I don't want to battle my weight all my life or have to think about it every day. Like I said...sick of it.
That's all. No dramatic ending, or any real ending at all. Because this isn't ending for me.

How to Poo at Work

2009-07-08T17:33:00.001-04:00

A friend of mine emailed me today and said if I wanted a laugh, Google "How to poop at work". I replied, "Jason darling, I already know". Then I schooled him.

How to Poo at Work

1. Wait for a moment when it appears that most of the people in your office are safely at their desks. Calmly get up from your seat, and walk to the bathroom saying in your head "please God, don't let anyone be in there".
2. Stake out the bathroom and check for feet under the stalls.
3. If there are feet, wash your hands or check your hair and leave. Wait 10 minutes and try again.
4. If no feet, find the stall farthest from the door. In your head say “please God don’t let anyone come in here”.
5. Drop your pants as quickly as possible, repeating the 2nd part of #4.
6. Sit and try to go as quickly as you can (read: push). Listen for the bathroom door opening…if you hear someone come in, follow these steps:
a. If you’re still going, make noise with toilet paper or trash can, shuffle feet, or in case of emergency, flush to cover sounds.
b. If you’re in a particularly “slow” situation, commence “Silent Sitter” status. Sit perfectly still and wait for the intruding party to leave.
7. Flush. Don’t be gross. If you've left evidence (i.e., trails) quickly throw some more toilet paper into the bowl and flush again. Leave no evidence.
8. Wait for toilet to finish flushing completely (no more water trickling into bowl). Listen for bathroom door opening again.
9. If no one is coming, exit stall quickly, closing stall door behind you as quietly as possible so that it doesn't bang shut or God forbid, bounce to signal where you've been to any one coming in.
10. Proceed to sink farthest from your offending stall to wash your hands.
11. Act natural. If someone comes in, don’t exit too hurriedly, you’ll look suspicious.
12. Exit bathroom, and whenever possible, enter your office through a door different from which you left. This way you can avoid passing the same people who saw you leave, and this will prevent them from noticing how long you were gone and speculating about what you've been doing.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you poo at work. Or at least how I do.

My generation's Elvis is gone.

2009-06-26T08:22:00.000-04:00

I think it's pretty obvious what I'm posting about. Michael Jackson has left this world.

Many would argue that he figuratively left this world a long time ago, but I'm not going to dwell on that here. I can't say anything that hasn't already been said, but I'm going to share my feelings anyway.

I cannot remember a time when I've become emotional over the death of a celebrity. Until yesterday. I think of Michael Jackson as my generation's Elvis. He was an icon and a talent to a level that few can ever attain. It's unfortunate that his legacy is forever shadowed by allegations and rumor and freak show, but I choose not to remember him in that way. I choose to remember Michael as what he meant to me.

As a child of the 80s he and Madonna gave me the soundtrack to my younger years. One of my first records was Thriller. It's not possible for me to put into words what he meant to that part of my life, but suffice it to say that he was in the background for most major events at that time, including falling in love for the first time. I grew up in the magic time of MTV, the early years, and when we had cable and could watch it, I couldn't take my eyes off MJ's videos. Thriller scared the hell out of me, but I couldn't tear myself away from it. Human Nature to this day is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. I could go on and on about each song and video but I won't. You all have your own memories and feelings attached to his music.

Michael Jackson led a sad existence. I am of the opinion that he probably suffered from some sort of mental illness that caused him to mutilate himself in the way he did. I also don't think he was rooted in the same kind of reality that most of us are, and he didn't seem to have an understanding of what was appropriate behavior and what wasn't. I won't make excuses for this, as there are many people who have suffered abuse and twisted lives and have come out of it a well adjusted person, but I don't think Michael was ever able to do that. Whether is was his nature or the environment he was in, he never seemed to be living in the same reality as the rest of us.

I don't know if any of the allegations against him are true...he was acquitted of the charges made against him so in the eyes of our legal system he is not guilty. But he lost in the court of public opinion. Most people seem to believe that something wasn't right about the relationship he had with children and they can't get past that suspicion. I don't know if I can either, and unfortunately it casts a very large shadow over a larger than life career.

I do think there is a possibility that his odd behavior and lifestyle made him an easy target, though. It's not hard to imagine that someone who seems so strange would be capable of something as heinous as molesting children. It's possible that those who made the allegations were not entirely truthful. It's possible that he isn't guilty of anything but having poor judgement and a twisted sense of what is appropriate behavior. And legally speaking, he's innocent. I pray to God that he is, but how many people truly believe in that verdict is another story.

Despite all of this...the self-mutilation, the odd behavior, the legal troubles, the allegations, and the strange circumstances surrounding his own role as a father, this man is someone who will be spoken of for decades to come. His contribution to music, dancing, videos, charity, showmanship and artistry in general will never, ever be forgotten. His life seemed sad to me, and lonely. He was constantly surrounded by controversy. But his legacy will live on as one of the greatest of all time. And my prayers are with his family, as he was a son, a brother, and a father.

Rest in Peace, Michael Jackson. I hope you are able to find the peace now that eluded you in life.

Conundrum

2009-06-23T14:16:00.000-04:00

I don't have a picture up. I don't have links to any personal info. 99.9% of people have no idea who I am or give a shit about what I write.
But there are a few people who know Whorish Mouth. Not that they give a hoot about what I post, but maybe one or 2 of them do. This breach of anonymity has made me feel really limited about what I can post.
Which is the dilemma. I find that I'm inspired to write about things I know, things I'm feeling, and things I'm going through. A lot of it is personal, and posting it is a way to get it out, to sort it out. But some of what I am inspired to write about may affect people who read this blog. And now that I've met a few people who know who I am, it feels like I'm airing dirty laundry and bringing others into my business, where anonymity would prevent that feeling. It sucks...because I feel censored and I don't know what to do about it.

Further back in time...Re-Learning to Swim

2009-06-10T09:54:00.000-04:00

Another blast from the past...this one goes back even further. I was 28 when I wrote this, about to turn 29, so I guess it was about 2 1/2 years ago. I was not long out of a very long relationship, and finding it a much different environment for dating than it was when I was last "out there". I wrote this column for a little local publication who had an open call for "One Good Column". They had been told by some commenter that "anyone can write one good column", so they presented the challenge to the masses. Mine was the 2nd published.
Oh, and my first name was mentioned in here. I edited it. Deal.
Here it is:

Re-Learning To Swim in a Shallow Dating Pool
02/28/2007

You know those movies or TV shows where someone has just gone through a divorce or breakup, and they talk about being "out there" again?
I'm talking about characters like Tom Hanks in "Sleepless in Seattle," who were married in their 20s and find themselves single again in their 30s or 40s.
I used to wonder, did he and his wife sail their houseboat out into the middle of the ocean and live there with little Jonah until she passed away? How could a person functioning in society be so clueless about how things have changed since the last time they were "out there?" Do they really need a sidekick to tell them the new "rules" of dating?
Apparently so.
I was in a relationship for six years, but eventually it came to an end. When we started dating, I was 22. Suddenly, I'm single again at age 28 and the arena looks a little different.
When I was 22, I was right out of college, starting my first real job, and having fun. Dating was casual and easy. At that time I didn't really have any dating pressures or expectations.
But then I met my ex, and we started dating. And after a six-year relationship, I've discovered that I have some really good friends who only know me as part of a couple -- and never as a single person.
It wasn't that I retreated into the black hole of coupledom. My ex and I had a good balance -- he had his friends, and I had mine. We didn't spend every waking moment together and it helped that we didn't live together. We were able to have the best of both worlds.
But now, I'm 28, and single once again. During the six years I was with my ex, friends got married and others began their own long-term relationships. The friend pool, while not drying up, is undoubtedly more shallow when it comes to finding people to go out with on weekends.
When we do go out, my friends and I are no longer in the younger crowd just graduating from college. We are not officially too old for our social scene, but we're getting closer to that point. And the pool of prospects? That's definitely running shallow too.
After all, it's one thing to be 22 and dating a 28-year-old. It's entirely another thing to be 28 and dating a 22-year-old.
Many people are either married, engaged, or looking to get married. I'm not just talking about girls either. It's the guys, too. You may not necessarily be out hunting for the man you're going to marry, but the guy buying you that beer may be looking for his future wifey.
Or maybe you're nervous about looking at the underside of 30 and husband shopping, but you can't find a guy who's on the same page.
I don't feel a lot different than I did at 22. I was independent back then. I'm still independent. I'm still not husband shopping. In fact, I'm not even sure if I want to be married at all, which may be different than my feelings at age 22.
I can't remember.
I still love to go out with my friends and meet new people. I still like to date, like I did back then.
This is what I'm trying to figure out in this new arena: Who exactly is Single (Whorish Mouth)? What counts as a date? Dinner and a movie or drinks at a bar? Should I invite him to my place? Or go to his? If there are kids involved, should you meet them, and if so, when?
Since most of us no longer live at home, when and how are we supposed to meet the parents? How serious does the relationship have to be before sex? When do you talk about the future?
I can only figure out my single self as I stumble along, like everybody else. I know I don't care if dates take place at a table in a restaurant or on a stool at a bar, as long as there's conversation. I prefer setting up an actual date, instead of the non-committal "I think I might end up here tonight, hopefully I'll see you." And I'd rather talk on the phone than text message. Discovering what I don't want in a new relationship is helping to create a clearer picture of what I do want.
Not that I'm looking.
But there's a lot more to learn, much of which I have not yet uncovered. That's the one thing a 28 year old has in common with a 22 year old. We're all still learning. And it didn't take sailing out into the ocean on a houseboat to figure that out.

Going back in time...I Hate Valentine's Day

2009-06-10T07:48:00.000-04:00

First, just to get it out of the way for anyone who may be confused, I wrote this about a year and a half ago, before the saga of Pissboy and Marie or Whorish Mouth ever came to be. I read a column on Pajiba today about a Nia Vardolos movie (I Hate Valentine's Day, I think it's called) that is coming out sometime in the future and it triggered in my memory that I once wrote a "column" of the same name. So I dug it up and here it is. It was interesting to me to take a look back and see where I was a couple of years ago, unaware of what was to come.

Here it is:

I love how every night when I go to bed, I lay down and think of the exact same thing. The douchebags in my life.
Or the douchebags who have exited my life, I should say.
Sadly, the thing I think of most is how I wish one was lying there with me. Isn’t that terrible? I guess it’s just the human condition. When night falls and the TV isn’t on, the phone isn’t ringing, and you’re not checking MySpace, you are left alone with your thoughts and your backstabbing heart which tricks and betrays you every step of the way.
I’ve never been the girl to need a boyfriend. I’m good when I’m on my own, and very independent. I’m not going to lie and say that a boyfriend is a bad thing, because it can be wonderful. But it wasn’t ever anything I’ve felt I’ve needed, until now.
Suddenly, I’m staring down the barrel of February 14th, and it’s killing me.
Oh, Valentine’s Day. How you have forsaken me.
I’ve never liked Valentine’s Day. In school, I felt like it was a day of exclusion. Scooby Doo Valentines stuffed in that handmade paper envelope taped to the front of your desk. How many did you get, how many did you get? Oh, only 20? I got 23.
And when I got older, it became a day to get your heart broken. The boy you hoped would come out of the woodwork and show up at your door on the most “romantic” day of the year never came through. Or the guy you’re dating disappears just before V Day, never to be heard from again. That was a fun year.
Everywhere you go, you can’t escape the red and pink. Guys must hate this holiday. Full of expectations and the likely disappointment when you find out she thinks roses are so cliché. Hearts are hanging from display windows, jewelry and Victoria’s Secret commercials are full force, and Lifetime won’t stop showing terrible movies about terrible love stories, starring Tracey Gold.
Do I sound bitter? Perhaps it’s because I am.
This Thursday I get to think about the 2 men who have broken my heart within the last year. One disappeared into his coke habit and will likely never be heard from again. He was the one who wanted to be my boyfriend, and actually fooled me into believing in the possibility of a soulmate. The other one I get to see on a regular basis. He’s the emotionally unavailable one who might move away at any second. The one I carried on a secret affair with that no one knows about. The one who has broken my heart multiple times because I kept thinking I could handle the lack of real emotion. I was wrong. Apparently I’m not that girl.
And every night, I lie in bed and I think about them. I think about how Mr Cokehead is the only man whose arms I was ever able to fall asleep in. I think about how Mr Apathy could make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. I think about how both of them turned out to be the biggest disappointments in my life over the last 12 months. And I think about how on February 14th I’ll have no one to hold on to but my teddy bear.
Cupid has never had any trouble with his aim when he’s flinging arrows at me…but he could really use a little target practice when he’s trying to find me a mate. Because for the first time in my life, I’m actually starting to miss having one. And I can’t lie…I’m feeling a little sorry for myself. This year, Valentine’s Day has already kicked my ass, and it hasn’t even arrived.
So what do I do? The typical chick thing? You’ve Got Mail and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s? The Notebook and a box of Kleenex? The tears and dashed hopes of finding a love who makes you feel like you do when you watch movies?
Nah. I’ll likely just ignore it. Or try to, considering that everywhere I go I’m inundated with reminders of this wretched holiday. Even classy 711 is selling fuzzy handcuffs for the occasion. Because what girl doesn’t want those?
Have fun, all you couples out there. And as you make your dinner reservations, think of the poor singleton bringing you your wine and steak dinner. The one who got roped into working because she didn’t have other plans for the night. And tip her extra well.

The Deal-breaker

2009-05-27T14:02:00.000-04:00

So this is my first blog post. I’m not sure how this whole blog thing is going to go, but I felt compelled to start one because I wanted a creative outlet. I don’t know how often I’ll update it, or what it will turn into. I suspect it’ll start out as one thing, and perhaps become something else. Right now I’m going to just put into words some stuff that’s been on my mind lately.
I was on my local newspaper’s website today and happened upon a “Moms” blog. Now, I’m not a mom, and normally I wouldn’t give this a second look, but the subject matter grabbed me. It was about whether or not cheating is a deal-breaker in a marriage.
I’m not married, so this blog and string of comments didn’t really apply to me, so I didn’t participate. But I did read through the comments.
Many of the “moms” said yes, it’s a deal-breaker, and they couldn’t forgive their “DH”. I don’t know what DH means, but I see it all over the page, so in my brain I read this as “darling husband”. I’m not sure what that says about me.
But there were also many posts to the contrary, where “moms” argued that it would be possible to forgive if the cheating spouse was really sorry, and they both wanted to work on and stay in the marriage.
Where do you stand?
I used to think it was a deal-breaker. I was the one who always said “The fastest way to lose me is to cheat on me. You’ll never see me or hear from me again. You can forget you ever knew me.” I believed this so adamantly. There was a time when I couldn’t imagine forgiving someone for that kind of betrayal. How do you even look at him again? A person who cheats obviously doesn’t love you, or even care about your well being, emotionally or physically. How can someone who loves you share that kind of intimacy with somebody else?
Then…it happened to me. And my whole world changed.
Last summer I fell in love. He was everything I wanted…attractive, funny, honest, engaging, and he had a kick-ass motorcycle. We had a lot in common, from music to movies to a love of Halloween. It was non-stop conversation, discovery, passion. I couldn’t get enough of him, and for awhile, he couldn’t get enough of me.
A few months in, things started to change. I began to see changes in him and his overall attitude. He was less affectionate, less passionate, and less friendly overall. He was brooding, moody, and agitated. When I approached him about these changes, he gave excuses, such as work, money, other points of stress, etc.
I knew at the time that he was hanging around with friends (a married couple) who were still close to his ex-girlfriend, as well. I didn’t love these friends…they weren’t people I got a warm and fuzzy feeling from. I didn’t think they were very good to him, and felt they put him 2nd when it came to him and his ex. His friendship didn’t seem to mean as much to them as hers did. He continued to hang around with them on a fairly regular basis, mostly without me. I never met the ex.
There came a day when the four of them were supposed to get together, and the couple apparently decided to stay home, so my man decides he’s going to hang out one on one with his ex. I was not told about this until after the fact, and I was beside myself. Up to this point I felt that I had been tolerant of his desire to remain friends, and tried very hard not to be jealous. I thought he was trustworthy, and didn’t want to stop him from being with his friends, even when his ex was around. But the one on one thing hurt me very deeply. When I confronted him about how this made me feel I tried to do it calmly, without getting too upset so as not to escalate things. But it did escalate when I got his reaction.
He was angry that I was upset, and couldn’t understand how I felt. I tried to explain it as if he was in my shoes, and I was alone with my ex at his home, watching television. How would that make him feel? No matter how much we discussed it, he didn’t get it. We got off the phone. He was angry, and I was upset.
Soon after this I made a comment to a friend of mine that I didn’t think we were going to make it. I couldn’t see how I could continue a relationship with someone who had no empathy for the person he supposedly wanted to be with.
A few days later, I received an email from someone I’d never spoken to before. It was his ex…confessing to me that they had slept together “multiple times” a few months prior. I will not go into detail, but her email alluded to the fact that it had been going on for a few months behind my back, and when he was with her a few nights prior, she asked him what he was going to do. He wouldn’t give her a straight answer. So she decided to let me in on their affair.
I never felt so sick in my life.
I lost my breath, and couldn’t catch it. I couldn’t even cry right away, for the hysteria that was building in my chest. What happened next is a bit of a blur, but at some point I managed to call him and ask him to come over right away, without revealing what I knew. He was at my house in 10 minutes, and was greeted at the door by a pile of his belongings.
The gory details of what happened next are not going to be revealed here, but suffice it to say that he left that night light a girlfriend, and heavy a few bruises and his stuff.
But the worst was still to come. I never felt so low in all my life.
I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, and I couldn’t go to work. I couldn’t face anyone except for the few girls who came over to make sure I was ok. Even that was unbearable. Every time I talked, I cried. Every time I thought, I cried. Every time I closed my eyes I saw her face, and then his face, staring at me blankly while I screamed “how could you”. I felt disgusting, like I had been soiled. I felt like everything I thought I knew up to this point had been a lie. My instincts were shit. My insides were twisted. My soul was scarred. I was shattered, broken, and lower than I had ever been in my entire life.
The week that followed is remembered in a kind of haze…I remember pain, mostly, and the odd combination of humiliation and therapy in revealing what happened to the people in my life. And the strange and horrible feeling of missing someone I hated.
About a week later, I came home to flowers and a card in front of my door. Then more flowers, another card and a CD the day after.
Then he showed up.
I saw something I had never seen before…a man who was truly remorseful. A man who was sorry, so incredibly sorry, but not only for what he lost but for what he had done and what it did to me. A man who was willing to do anything it took to fix it, to take away my pain, and spend every day making up for his mistake, knowing full well that there was a good chance it was an impossible task.
I didn’t know if I was strong enough to forgive him, or if he was worth forgiving. The last few months had been difficult, to say the least, and I didn’t know if he was someone I wanted to be with after the way he acted towards me, and then this ultimate betrayal. Would I ever be able to look at him the same again? Was he the man I first met, or was he the man who broke my heart? How can you love someone who is both? Could my heart ever heal enough to see past this infidelity and move on? Does forgiveness make me weak and stupid?
When I opened the door to him that night, I began to see through the fog of pain and humiliation. I was able to imagine a time in the future when we could be happy again. And I began to realize that there was something I loved about this man once, and could possibly love again. The question was, could I open my heart to him after this?
Soon after I heard someone say “there is no weakness in forgiveness”. That is something I’ve held onto through this experience. I decided that I had to try to forgive him, even if I could never be with him again, because holding on to that anger and pain was hurting me terribly. I had to try to let it go so that I could go on and my heart could heal.
And here we are today. After counseling, much soul searching, and a renewed love for each other, we are together and making strides. We’re committed to each other and making this work, because underneath all the turmoil and mistrust and anger, there is love. It has been difficult and painful, but the reward is enough for us to keep going. He’s made some major changes in his life, the greatest being the removal of the toxic relationship he had with his former “best friends”. He realized that in order to grow and cultivate a mature relationship, he had to let go of the ones who kept him stagnant. I worried about the repercussions of this in the beginning, but it’s actually been a weight off his shoulders, as well as mine. And without these chains pulling us back, we’re able to move forward together.
Is it easy? The short answer is no. I still have some trust issues, and anger. I wonder who is calling him, who he’s emailing, and if he ever doubts the decision he made to work this out with me. It’s difficult for me to be around people who are acquainted with her, as he does still have some friends who are. There is still some lingering doubt in my mind, especially when I think of the differences in her version of the story, and his. According to him, it was not an ongoing affair, but a one-time indiscretion. This doesn’t make me feel all that much better, though, when I think of how he was treating me at that time, and how even after this “one-time” thing, he continued to hang around with her. I wrestle with this every day, and I’m not sure I’ll ever feel that I know the absolute truth.
What I’ve tried to do is look in my heart, and decide whether or not this is going to change how I feel and affect my decision to move on with him. To this point, I’ve decided that I don’t want to let these details hold me down. I know that a terrible mistake was made, and he’s truly sorry. I know that he loves me, despite what he’s done. And this is how I get through the day.
Some people would disagree completely with the decision I’ve made to reconcile with him. Some of those people are very close to me, and this is something else that makes this process more difficult. It’s a challenge each and every day, and some days I wonder if we will ever be able to move completely past it. I don’t know what the future holds. But what I do know is that I’m happier with him than I have ever been, scars and all. I am able to envision a future for us, which I’ve never experienced in another relationship.
I think the darkest days are behind us now, and I have hope. And for now, that’s enough.