My mother, who is one of the greatest people I know, can also be one of the most hurtful people I know.
We're talking about a woman who sacrificed much for my sister and me. She was born to be a mother and did a hell of a job raising us, despite some major hurdles along the way. But as much as I love, respect, and admire her, she infurates me more than most people.
When PB and I had our issues, I didn't go to her. I couldn't bear the hurt it was going to cause her to have to witness what I was going through. At that time, I didn't want to inflict that on her. She knew only that we had broken up.
One day after I'd decided to give him a second chance, she asked me point blank if he cheated. I didn't lie, but I didn't go through all the dirty details. She surprised me by saying that forgiveness is important, no matter where the relationship ends up, and that if I'm more happy with him than without him, then maybe it's worth salvaging.
I was both touched and relieved by this.
More than a year has passed since then. My sister has been unhappy with my decision to stay with him, and only started to thaw a bit recently, but my mom was relatively supportive. I can tell when she's holding back or not entirely thrilled with the situation, but for the most part she's been ok with him.
Then yesterday I made the mistake of letting her in on something personal that has been on my mind lately.
Facebook suggested a new friend for me recently...my ex-boyfriend. He was the one I was with for most of my 20's, and we broke up 4 years ago. God, as I type that I can't even believe it's been that long.
We had a good relationship, but I knew from day one that it wasn't going to last forever, and that I'd never marry him. As much as I loved him, I knew our relationship had an expiration date. 6 years later, that date had come and it ended. It was horribly sad, and probably the most difficult break-up I've ever been through, but I knew it was for the best.
So when Facebook suggested him, I didn't add him as a friend (even though there's no bad blood that I know of, I didn't think it was a good idea) but I did look at his profile. I managed to figure out from wall posts that his dad is in the hospital, and was or is in a coma for some reason. After much thought I decided to drop him a line to wish his family well in this difficult time. I called him, but his number has apparently been changed, so I did what I really didn't want to do, and wrote him a message on Facebook. It just said that I saw that his father is sick, I tried to call, and that I hope he and his family are ok, and they're in my thoughts and prayers. That's it.
He responded a few days later saying thanks, things are better, and he hopes I'm well. Nothing more than that. I decided to let it go and not respond back. If he wanted to divulge or speak to me more, he would have.
The situation made me a bit sad. It's hard to think that this family, who was more or less my own family for 6 years, is going through such a trauma and although I care a great deal, I'm completely on the outside. Although it's sad, I'm ok with this, because it has to be this way for a number of reasons, the most important of which being the following two: First, it may cause more hurt to my ex for me to be around, and second, he has a girlfriend, and a whole new life separate from me. I don't want to do anything to disrupt that or make anyone uncomfortable. It's no longer my place. So while it's appropriate for me to stay away, it's still sad.
I mentioned all this to my mom last night, and regretted it almost immediately.
First she asked why I was sad, so I explained. She seemed to get it, but then she decides to tell me how hard it was for her and my sister when we broke up. I already knew it was hard on everyone, his family, my family, and obviously the two of us. Then she used the word "devastated" to describe how my sister felt about it.
This threw me. I knew we were all upset, but I didn't realize just how upset they were. She goes on to tell me that my sister looked at him like a brother in law, and she had a really hard time with the break up. She also told me about when she (mom) ran into him and his dad not long after, and how both he and my mom teared up, etc. She says this is why she tries not to get involved with our boyfriends, because it's hard when it's over, he was a good guy, etc. She harped on this point.
Really, mom? Is this what I need to be hearing right now?
I got the feeling that this was her subtle way of telling me she wasn't happy with my choices, and perhaps she wished I was still with my ex. Maybe that's just me projecting that on her, but it's the feeling I got from her tone, and this is not a good feeling. It really pissed me off.
I tried to get off this topic by cutting if off with a comment like "well, he is a great guy, just not the right one for me". Which is true...if we were supposed to be together, we would be. I wouldn't have been uncertain, filled with doubt, and feeling like I was settling for a life I didn't necessarily want. There are lots of wonderful people out there...I'm not meant to be with all of them.
So then of course out of left field she starts asking me about my new living situation with PB. It almost sounded accusatory after the conversation we just had. She asked me things like how do we split the bills, etc. I was a bit taken aback.
The conversation then moved on to my car, and as innocuous as that may sound, I felt like she was criticizing me about that, too. She knows I want a new car and asked what kind I was going to get, so I told her the same one I have now, just new. She goes on to say what a shame that is, because everyone loves that car, people are always saying that, and I've kept it looking so nice, etc. Jesus, mom! Are you really giving me a guilt trip about wanting to replace my 9 year old car that keeps needing expensive repair? REALLY?
So I got off the phone as quickly as I could, which was not nearly quickly enough. By this point, I was just pissed. The good mood I had been in was long gone.
It's amazing to me how someone who has been such an angel in my life can rip me apart like that. Do I ever experience uncertainty? Of course I do! But do I know that the decisions I've made up to now have been the right ones for me, for whatever reason? Yes. I'm sure of it. If I was meant to be with my ex, it would have worked out. I wouldn't have started dreading his calls. I wouldn't have pulled away like I did, not wanting to be romantic. I wouldn't have toiled about the decision to end things and devastated him the way I did when I finally had to. I wouldn't have let him go. But I did...because I know in my heart that it was the right thing for both of us.
And today I'm in love with someone else. We've had the worst of times, and managed to come through it and we're still working through it because we love each other enough to do that. I'm happy with this and look forward to what is to come. What I want is what I have.
Well, that and a new car.
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