A friend of mine emailed me today and said if I wanted a laugh, Google "How to poop at work". I replied, "Jason darling, I already know". Then I schooled him.
How to Poo at Work
1. Wait for a moment when it appears that most of the people in your office are safely at their desks. Calmly get up from your seat, and walk to the bathroom saying in your head "please God, don't let anyone be in there".
2. Stake out the bathroom and check for feet under the stalls.
3. If there are feet, wash your hands or check your hair and leave. Wait 10 minutes and try again.
4. If no feet, find the stall farthest from the door. In your head say “please God don’t let anyone come in here”.
5. Drop your pants as quickly as possible, repeating the 2nd part of #4.
6. Sit and try to go as quickly as you can (read: push). Listen for the bathroom door opening…if you hear someone come in, follow these steps:
a. If you’re still going, make noise with toilet paper or trash can, shuffle feet, or in case of emergency, flush to cover sounds.
b. If you’re in a particularly “slow” situation, commence “Silent Sitter” status. Sit perfectly still and wait for the intruding party to leave.
7. Flush. Don’t be gross. If you've left evidence (i.e., trails) quickly throw some more toilet paper into the bowl and flush again. Leave no evidence.
8. Wait for toilet to finish flushing completely (no more water trickling into bowl). Listen for bathroom door opening again.
9. If no one is coming, exit stall quickly, closing stall door behind you as quietly as possible so that it doesn't bang shut or God forbid, bounce to signal where you've been to any one coming in.
10. Proceed to sink farthest from your offending stall to wash your hands.
11. Act natural. If someone comes in, don’t exit too hurriedly, you’ll look suspicious.
12. Exit bathroom, and whenever possible, enter your office through a door different from which you left. This way you can avoid passing the same people who saw you leave, and this will prevent them from noticing how long you were gone and speculating about what you've been doing.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you poo at work. Or at least how I do.
10 comments:
My office has private restrooms. I like to stretch out, take my time and surf the Intraweb on my Blackberry. Just like a miracle, you rush a poo and you get bad poo.
You're a pearl of wisdom, Tracer. :)
Wow. The attention to detail is remarkable.
Guys don't really have the same level of trepidation about these things.
Also, it's worth noting that my word verification for the above post was (I kid you not) "hogrange."
This is a play-by-play of the daily goings on in our office bathroom. You've captured it beautifully. Bravo.
-Kolby
My co-worker once composed the most hilarious post-it note of all times, which is essentially a flow chart of this clandestine mission. You may want to borrow from this little gem the parts where you preliminarily check for antistink spray, spray as needed, and lastly, "run like hell."
Yep, you've nailed it! There's the entire process of Office Pooping For Girls, accurately described. I wonder why we CARE so much if people know we poop? It's not like nobody else shits.
My office has individual loos in the stairwell. Fine, except there is some bastard/bitch (but I suspect it's a man) who regularly drops a bomb so noxious that the entire stairwell is unsafe without breathing apparatus. Why he can't just open the fucking window and use the spray, I have no idea... but we all hate his oderiferous guts!
Tarn
This has nothing to do with this post, because WHY would I actually write something on-topic? Crazy talk!
Anyway, I LOVE your icon picture and your "About Me" section! I would also enjoy having a bit part in your Lifetime Original Movie and being played by Kim Delaney.
Oooh, OR Park Overall! Then my character would be strong, sassy and southern with just a hint of world-weariness.
It's possible I have given too much though to this....
HAHAHA Lainey, it's possible. :) And happy to have you in my Lifetime movie.
Ladies, thanks for feeling my pain on this blog. I don't understand why the act of pooing is so clandestine for the females that it has to be an art form, but hey, at least it gives us something to talk about.
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Bring it.